The Gift Of Desperation.

Last week, I spent a day with a cousin who is also my friend. Yes, I’m emphasising that because we have many relatives who are not our friends. We met in Eastlands where I’d gone to have my car fixed. It felt like a road trip, as I don’t recall the last time I was deep in Eastleigh. I passed by the huge BBS mall that’s touted to be the largest in East Africa. I like how even parts of the city previously known for notorious activities are slowly modernizing and attracting folks from all walks of life. The shops you’ll find at the Hub in Karen or Westgate Mall in Westlands are also in BBS mall in Eastlands. That’s maendeleo (progress).

We caught up a good one as my car was receiving some TLC. Even went to a nearby hotel where I ate the chapo with egg rolled inside. Rolex, they call it. it was quite tasty. As we got chatting, I inquired of my other relatives whom I hadn’t seen in a long time. She did the same, and updates were shared both ways. Some are doing well, while some are not. One particular one stood out. A charming rela whom I grew up with but haven’t seen much of lately. He’s been battling alcoholism for a while. With that, his work and home are staggering, too.

I was sad because he’s a brilliant guy, yet his life is going to waste. I’ve seen this pattern repeated with a few chaps I know. There seems to be a trigger that makes a man (or woman) spiral into the abyss. As we chatted with my cousin, two friends came to mind. Brilliant chaps whom I met in golf some years back. Guys at the top of their game, then something katikad at work followed by their family relations. Booze and substance abuse became a coping mechanism, and that was the beginning of the end. Attending their funerals was sad. Of course, funerals are mostly sad affairs, but this felt sadder (is that an english word?) because we shouldn’t have been there. They passed on before their time, in my view. What makes men (and women too) who are strong, driven and progressive encounter a challenge that sucks the life out of then until the lights go out?

I’ve not walked in the shoes of an alcoholic, so I can’t say I understand what my pals went through. But after parting ways with my rela last week, I felt I needed to do something. We hear that all it takes for evil to prosper is for good men to do nothing. I reached out to yet another rela friend hehe. He struggled with pombe for many years but somehow managed to right the wrong turn. He’s been clean for 17 years, and so I thought he’d be better placed to help our guy. I called him, explained the situation, and he offered to help. I connected the two, and I pray that we can pull our brother from the brink. It is better to try and fail than fail to try. But I choose to be positive that we won’t fail.

As I spoke to my cousin, who’s overcome alcoholism, I shared my concern that our guy risks losing his family and that we need to move fast. He listened to my panicked views patiently and then calmly shared his thoughts. His response is still ringing in my ear. He said that maybe his family leaving him (temporarily, I pray) is what will incentivize him to turn around. It’s called the gift of desperation. That was a mic drop moment.

The gift of desperation. What an oxymoron. I tossed this in my mind for some time and started seeing it on a wider scale. Could it be that some of our life-changing decisions were made from dire or desperate circumstances? When we had exhausted all options and were at the end of our rope is when our turnaround began. I feel that was the case for me when my business dried up in my 40s, and I had to find a new way to be and live. COVID-19 came and cemented the tombstone on my events business, but in hindsight, COVID was my gift. It not only shut the door to an ended season but blew up the bridge, lest I’m tempted to go back there. I feel my life today is a gift from what felt like a panicked transition

 I was desperate, so I dug deep and spent a lot of time seated alone with my thoughts. There was a hurricane inside me even though it didn’t show much on the outside.  I look back today, glad that I made friends with desperation even though we started as enemies. When options end, we tend to bring out the best and strongest version of ourselves. It’s a flight or fight situation. Is it hard and painful? yes, but sometimes that’s the only way to elevate our lives, through the tough dark times.

We’ve heard of folks who lost their jobs and became depressed and felt hopeless. They waded through the matope of confusion, looking for a lifeline until they discovered a life they never knew existed or was possible for them. Then, after a measure of success in their new life, they look back and almost want to write a thank you note to the boss who fired them. Sometimes wishing they had been fired earlier.

Imagine thanking someone who wronged you. That’s the gift of desperation. Sadly, some give up at the point of unwrapping the gift and will never see what’s inside. But if we go through the pain of recovery that’s brought by our desperation, then we get a chance to experience a life we once never thought would be possible. Of joy, balance and impact. That’s the prayer I make today for my rela. That he will get through this and never go back. I will play my small role to help him.

Pain is the wrapping paper of desperation but upon opening it, we will be glad we persevered as abundance, healing, and hope are the gifts inside. Folks, whatever personal hard times you may be going through, I pray that you will fight and not take flight.