Social Scaffolding.

This week my baby sharks went back to school. They are starting a new term and a new academic year. Pole pole tu and they will be out my hair, one academic year at a time. It’s been a good summer break of rest, travel, a lot of Netflix and eating. Food is my family’s love language yet we don’t have the weight to show for it. Brain food I suppose hehe. Oh, and for my kijana a lot of computer games. He has a game called Roblox that he plays with his pals. He’s attempted to teach me but I angusha (fail) him each time.

I’m glad we have been able to remain at Rusinga School. We chose it more than ten years ago because they make a fuss about the Christian faith. I want my little people to have Sir God as their true north as they go through life. Rusinga also offers counselling services to support the kids through any challenges they may encounter as they grow.

I recently had a chat with the school counsellor and she introduced me to a concept I’ve never heard of. Social scaffolding. I liked the sound of that. Maybe it’s because I enjoy mjengo (construction)and we often use scaffolds for the fundis to be able to access high areas to work. Google defines social scaffolding as supporting the development of positive social identities and agency in communities. The school counsellor sent me a podcast dubbed Modern Wisdom to listen to. Dr Anna Machin here tries to answer the question of whether we need a father to raise a child.

During parenting classes years back and now through experience, it became clear that a child’s primary caregiver is their mother. That said I did all I could to be in my baby sharks’ lives from day 1. I enjoyed taking care of them and still do. Fatherhood is a crown I wear with pride. Parenting is a contact sport and has no dry run. The training is on the job. I have also learned that it’s difficult to parent alone and our kids cannot source all they want, at the different stages of their lives from their parents only. And that’s where social scaffolding comes in. In Africa, children belong to the village.

Dr Anna describes it as the child’s entry into the world beyond the family. As kids grow they are exposed to other influences beyond those at home. And that’s where the scaffolding from dads is required. I’m experiencing it with my little man when we have boy talk and he asks me questions that sometimes I’m unable to answer. Men, just like in mjengo, when we provide a strong scaffold to our kids they can stand without the fear of falling, concentrate on reaching higher and achieve much. If the scaffold is missing then our kids may end up being socially awkward.

With this in mind and on the way to school this week, I wondered how well I’m scaffolding my baby sharks as they start a new academic year. How good are they in caring, helping and sharing? How good is their social communication? What are their inhibitions? Are there concerns they’d like to share but don’t know how? How stable is my scaffold?  Dr Anna says in the podcast that a child’s relationship with their father determines these and more.

I felt affirmed when she said that social scaffolding can be done by every dad. It’s not rocket science. Taking our kids with us on errands helps them build social networks. They see us competing in the marketplace and engaging with folks from various walks of life. It may not appear like it’s making a difference but Dr Anna says it does. Dads, when our little people ask to accompany us to wherever we are going let us indulge them as much as we practically can. A time is coming when they will stop asking and we will wish we spent more time with them.

By letting them into our lives we are helping them grow resilience and skills to survive beyond the family. That’s a key role of fathers. Dads help children confront challenges in life. Dr Anna says one thing we can do to bond with our children is by playing with them. Play has a physical challenge, an element of risk and shows empathy. In the process, we help them build mental resilience when they lose in a game or recover from an injury from play. Play is a key way to bond with our children.

The quote of the day for me was, Dad is the superhero for mental resilience, especially for our adolescents aka GenZs. In a patriarchal world like ours showing our daughters that their opinions are important and they are valued is a scaffolding they will stand on firmly and confidently throughout their lives. The same applies to our sons as dads are seen as their first heroes. We should work hard to retain that position even as they enter the world and interact with other dads and men.

Social scaffolding also involves spending time with our kids. Spending time with my baby sharks secures their attachment. It shows when I’m often asked where I’m going or when I’m coming back home. Then when I’m home they are busy doing other things. Maybe they just want the reassurance that niko area. Dr Anna says that presence alone over time helps children deal with stress better, have high self-esteem and are less likely to be lonely or depressed. So, hang out with your small people guys as much as you can.

The challenge with all this scaffolding is that it’s a huge and long investment that hardly shows any results when at it. We see it later when our kids are grown. Parenting is a long game folks so just keep at it and don’t give up.

According to Dr Anna Machin, Secure attachments resulting from fathers’ presence in children lead to better members of society. She also warns that it is not a competition between the sexes. Gains for men don’t have to be a loss for women. A rising tide lifts all boats. We can scaffold our women to be the best they can be even as they do the same for us. Lets just play our part, focus on our role with the skills and abilities we have and the scaffold will hold.