Passion.

The late Otieno Kajwang once introduced the term passionometer in parliament when referring to the ability of a candidate being considered for a job in gava. It is the ability to measure how passionate one is for what they do. I have always measured high on that scale for most of my first half. I once attended the Landmark Forum more than ten years ago. It’s one of this self-improvement, you-deserve-to-be-happy kind of events. I was single; life was good in autopilot mode. It was curiosity that led me there, I think. From this event i confirmed that i seek to live life passionately. It’s my default setting.  I have had the opportunity to live a life doing what I love, and that has been a good life I must say.

Most people are in jobs or occupations they dislike or even hate but cannot leave for one reason or another. Mostly it’s the fear of the unknown that holds us back. The higher the stakes, the more fear of taking the leap. Children, loans, age and other life factors make it difficult. Only a small minority in this life will go past the fear and jump into the life they have always wanted. I have often wondered why it is so difficult to make the jump into passion territory especially when older. Of course, I have listed some reasons up there but beyond that, I feel like there is an internal resistance to change until we are forced to by circumstances.

Most of my life I have lived my passion which was growing my events business. It was never a job, more like a hobby that makes me money.  To me that was how life was to be lived. It was standard, or so I thought. People would remark, “Eishh Lucas you seem so happy.’’ “You doing well. You’re so lucky.’’ And on the compliments went. All the while I thought that was kawaida. It’s how life is lived. Until 40 checked in.

Now I feel like I’m on the other side of the admirers looking at and envying folks who are in their element. I’m like a fish out of water. Passion for my current hustle started changing when I turned 40. This has been a huge challenge for me because I have been making and drinking that passion juice for most of my life. Now I’m questioning what is next with my life.

Recently I have interacted with people my age and even older doing what they love and when I look into their eyes, I see the fire that once burnt in mine. I believe that the best state of being is where one’s passion is their occupation. That is the best life and i want it.  That explains the discomfort I’ve been experiencing over the last three years. It has been a space where I’m not as engaged as I used to be and that bothers me. On the one hand, my business doesn’t need me now. We need to break up so that it can flourish. On the other, I know my future is in talking (which includes writing and a few other things) yet it’s taking so long to unfold, or so it seems. I had forgotten that it takes time to grow something good. I find myself busy nowadays but I don’t have much to show for it.  I’m like the bamboo that grows underground for years then breaks through the surface after a long time. This is the consolation I’m hanging on to.  It had better be the case.

Did you know the word desert comes from the Hebrew word ”dahbaar” which means to speak? Maybe if we listen keenly in these desert like periods where passion is low, we shall get our next instructions sooner than later and finally get our groove back. Several of my age mates seem to be in this state of searching for their next big thing and for most of us, our gauge is on low. When you are not fully engaged in what you love you tend to get bored fast and uncomfortable with what you are doing because you long to be elsewhere. My only hope is that this season will pass and I will now be fully submerged in my next big thing. Although life is still fair because I have had a few moments where the gauge spikes up. This is when I get a speaking gig or when an article I do is received really well. I see this as small oases in the desert to quench my thirst and give me courage to continue on to Canaan (pun intended).

Folks, please do not give up and switch off your passionometers. If you are seeking for higher ground, you will surely find it in the fullness of time. The gauge may indicate E (for empty) but that is just temporary. E could be for enough for now.