PANIC CENTRAL.

What does a 40-year-old look like when they are in a panic? Remember we have this image to maintain where we have it all together and are the envy of many.

This has been a very bad (read broke) few weeks. My office bills and a few standing orders all conspired to be due at the same time yet all my bank account had was dust smelling of chums. I weka my equity ATM card in the machine and it tells me tiga wanaa (meaning get serious in kyuk) so I have to use my negotiation skills to buy time with my creditors including gava which feels nothing. I wish I could use my safaricom Bonga Points to pay PAYE or VAT.

I feel so vulnerable right now and I hate it. It’s like having airsickness during take-off. Worse still, I don’t have the sick bag as back up. So I have to keep it all inside till the time I can access the loo. Picture that. Horrible, right? That’s what panic at 40 feels like to me.

On the outside, you are still seen as the alpha male and there’s this internal and maybe societal pressure to maintain that image. Someone said that – real success is when those who know you the most love you the most. My clan of sharks and larger family have come through big time on this. I don’t even have the capacity to imagine what life would be like if they had lengad me. My mum has told us severally that family gives heavy duty support. It makes a huge difference driving off-road (40s season) with good shock absorbers (family support) and that is what I am experiencing currently.

I always wonder when I watch those American Grammy awards ceremonies (which is rare) why all the meero celebs cry as they receive their awards. Almost all start by thanking their parents (mostly the mums), spouses, brother, sister or someone close to them. It feels like the right thing to say on TV to avoid domes at home or so I thought. Now in my between a rock and harder place situation, I understand fully why those celeb machozi flow so easily as they express their gratitude to their loved ones.

I have not yet met a grown man feeling this dependent and yet comfortable with it. I’m doing all I can to remedy the situation, and that comes with impatience because I want to get back my PROVIDER title ASAP. For now I’m learning how to provide other things better like love, time and attention which we sacrifice when busy in the hustle.

This panic is also leading me to surrender. Which is a difficult thing to do because that feels like giving up or being clueless. I feel God telling me,”Kijana, this time round I want you to seek my face not my hand”. Yaani that hit me like a Citi Hoppa freewheeling on Thika Road. You mean I have been interacting with God like a sponsor (I’m the pretty young thing here) just asking for iPhones and expensive weaves and fake nails. He asks me, Sasa, and I answer, VITZ. Wololo! Iko shida. Father in heaven I hereby repent in dust and ashes.

I am now discovering how shallow and selfish I have been. Not just to God but maybe to folks in my life who were too polite to call me out. If any of you reading this feels aggrieved like Sir God upstairs, Please forgive me. Its for lack of knowing. I was a C student in school and holiday tuition did not help much. So this panic-caused pain has been a mirror, No.. actually more like an X-ray machine that has seen right through me. I doubt I would have looked this inward if things were good and I was still being courted by pretty voices from banks tempting me with their loans or credit cards.

I think I am moving closer to my destiny and getting a new mind-set that will serve me well during my second half. First half mind-set expires now. It is still uncomfortable for sure. No one enjoys being broke. But there is a reason I’m going through this, and all I can do is believe I’m being equipped to maximise my second half. Its for a good reason. It must be. Right ? Right?…