How Are You A Man?

Last week we had a beautiful gathering of men at the Capital Club dubbed Chill and Connect. I know beautiful and men in one sentence are uncommon, but that’s exactly what it was. We’ve been discussing with my pal Vicky for a while how we can curate an event for guys that’s authentic and significant to the modern man. My hope for the event was twofold. First to create a space where men would ventilate. Guys are told to be strong and suck it in. That doesn’t seem to be working today if the increase in mental health challenges in men is anything to go by. Sometimes we want to fungua roho and feel someone has heard us. We hoped to create a safe space for that to happen through the event. A problem shared is half solved, the saying goes.

My second motivation was to have a man find another man to walk with. Loneliness has become a pandemic irrespective of gender. Most of our relationships wear masks so it’s difficult to lean in. We hoped that guys would feel safe and open up to give and receive the support they needed. We go further when we go together. We hoped to bring down some walls and reduce the social distance men have put between themselves.

I was looking forward to moderating the event because it’s what I love to do. It’s part of my mission statement to use my speaking and experience to positively impact people’s lives and communities. We started later than planned because getting around in Nairobi has become an extreme sport. The Friday traffic was jammed sana. Getting to Westlands proved difficult for some but I’m glad that guys still showed up. We kicked off at about 6 pm with our wonderful panel of gentlemen. I consider them highly distinguished. One guy likened our gathering to the olden days when wiser and older men would gather the villagers under a huge tree and download insights and directions. We had gathered under the capital club tree hehe.

The 3 panellists bore huge titles. They are at the top of their game career-wise. That may have attracted some guys to come hoping for career guidance which was dished out generously. While that’s all well and good I didn’t want this to be a career talk. I hoped it would be more wholesome than that. The conversation was to be on mindful leadership, guiding with wisdom and compassion.

After some general workplace conversations about how our panellists have navigated leadership in their careers, I was glad when the chat took a more personal twist. How are we leading ourselves? We can’t lead others well if we can’t lead ourselves. My favourite definition of leadership came in handy here. It is the deployment of self into one’s circumstances. Many men (and women too) struggle with mental health and other issues because they respond poorly to the circumstances they find themselves in. The more equipped we are to deal with our situations and challenges, the better we lead both ourselves and others.

We did a poll at the event that confirmed many of us struggle with fear, self-doubt and lack of good mentorship. A gentleman in the crowd challenged us on the issue of providing leadership. We are told to be a man, to be a leader. But often we are asked to be all those things with the assumption that we know how to. Many men are required to lead yet they have no template or guide to follow. It’s like being given a car to drive yet you don’t know how to drive. Then when you get an accident we blame you for careless driving. I hope you see the disconnect folks.

The gap has continued to widen over the years and it’s a ticking time bomb. We need to go back to the basics where we learnt by examples shown to us. Then we are to pass on those lessons to the men behind us. It’s not rocket science. We can do it if we choose to slow down enough to unlearn, relearn and learn what makes a good man. No one is asking for perfection just a good attempt to be the man you were created and meant to be.

Some lessons are caught not taught. How we live matters because we are being watched. We have to be intentional and look out for our fellow man’s well-being if we are to start turning the tide. We have to find practical ways of being our brother’s keeper. Who are your pallbearers? If we can identify and appoint them while alive then we are bound to finish well. Life has been more bearable since I appointed my personal board of directors. Same as what my pal Pablo refers to as pall bearers.

To me, events like Chill and Connect is a good start. Standing at the back of the room at some point that evening, I loved how engaged guys had become. It was rare and deep. I wished I could record both the audio and visual just to save that moment. But we had promised there would be none of that. What is said at Capital club remains at Capital club.

That’s generally how the conversation went that evening. I was keen to keep the time because I know guys don’t like long events unless they are watching their favourite team and sport on a big screen. It was difficult to end the conversation as the flow was flowing. We went past time and to me that could only mean that it was a conversation that was well overdue. Look out for the next gathering under the big tree gents.