Fear Less.

My buddy Sancho is part of my boys’ club. I’ve called it the wolf pack here before. The passing on of Bob Collymore has recently highlighted the need and benefits of belonging to a boys’ club. I feel lucky to belong to one. We are six chaps and Sancho is the newest entrant after a rigorous vetting process which I can’t remember. I think our inner detectives (senses) get sharper at 40 and we can figure out someone pretty well to determine if they will get into our inner circle or not.

Sancho is a gentle giant. He is the tallest in our group and one of the most modest guys I know. He and I have a few things in common but one that stands out is that we day dream about owning the same car one day. Yes, men can be deep (which is wrongly perceived as vain) like that. That a deep desire they share is owning the same toy. Recently he bought a Subaru outback that resembles those CID ones. Sancho is clean shaven. Bald kabisa but me thinks it’s for hiding his kihara. He dons a greyish rough beard that’s neatly cut (not sure if he dyed it though) and prefers wearing expensive khakis and those brown leather jackets, and checked shirts that make him look like a Muranga cowboy. His overall sense of style still makes him still look like a cowboy but a more polished Nairobi one. At least he has saved us the Stetson kofia with a feather on the side and those suede safari boots from Bata. He easily gets confused for a cop and gets parking in spaces where I would be towed in a heartbeat if I tried.

I wish I can be confused for a cop too. That might get me out of a few fixes. Though there is hope because I saw those recce squad guys in action at the Dusit rescue and most are slim and tall. Lakini I think they are like five of them in the country so how will I masquerade like one of them and yet they seem to live in isolation? Anyhow my dreams remain valid.

Sancho and I have been through some tough times lately thanks to this halftime transitions at 40. Actually a few more of my boys have been through some turbulence too where chums are tight and the future seems uncertain. It’s a strange coincidence that we are going through that almost all at the same time. It feels like the initiation we went through after class 8 where we graduated as an age group from boys to men.

The shifts that happen at 40 are also an initiation of sorts. It’s like we graduate from a life of doing to a life of being and becoming. Many men struggle to manage this transition well. One reason could be because we get our identity from what we do. When that is taken away we are stranded and don’t know how to identify ourselves.

I admire how Sancho has maneuvered this season of his life. He has a calmness I admire despite living in a lot of uncertainty. During this slow and anxious waiting period he has volunteered to help others with their projects, played lots of golf and still spoken in slow motion as if there’s nothing to worry about. I on the other hand  have eaten  all my nails off and stammer when trying to articulate my thoughts sometimes. Then add the sleepless nights. I’m sure Sancho has his fair share of anxiety but it’s in mute and out of sight. I hope to have that ability one day.

This perceived calmness and present mindset led me to ask how he does that. His answer was short and powerful. He told me he has learnt to fear less. I’m sure most of the things we have feared in the past have never come to pass and they most likely never will. I read in the Business Daily recently that fear is false evidence that appears real. So I guess the antidote for fear is not to have false evidence. Yet for some of us fear appears in 4D like the new Lion King movie. Speaking of lions, maybe he is fearless because he feared less and rose to the top of the food chain.

I am well aware that the many times I worry and remain anxious, nothing in my external world changes. Yet fear still creeps up on me like a bad rash. Hanging out with Sancho is slowly rubbing off on me as I’m beginning to fear less. He is a good visual and reminder of a calm ship in a stormy sea.

Folks we will need to both dig deep into our reserves and maybe also look up and pray for help if we are to go through uncertain times without breaking. With a little practice we will start fearing less. We slowly accept the fact that there are things which are out of our control and there are outcomes we cannot guarantee. All we can do is all we can do and sometimes that’s enough. I think that should be my definition of fearing less. The times I have managed to break free from the worry and fear prison, I have experienced such lightness and freedom. I have also been able to learn the lessons from this phase of my life which I’m sure are better preparing me for the future I seek.

Sancho told me that since he started fearing less he has become bolder to seek and ask for what he wants. His success rate has been surprisingly high. He is in a much better place now and things are looking up. I believe his new frame of mind has accelerated his getting here. After all, just like in a class if a student has shikad it then he or she is moved to the next class. Why waste time?  Sancho is well on the way to his brilliant future and me thinks many of us will get unstuck if we start fearing less and embrace uncertainty. Remember fear is false evidence that appears real.