Faith @ 40

I grew up in a Christian home (and Im eternally grateful). I doubt I’d be here writing this if I did not have a Godly influence from my folks. Self-destruction would have taken me out. To some of us having a relationship with God is a requirement for graduation in this campo of life. It cannot be an elective. Having faith and trusting in God to sort me out seemed simpler when I was younger. Why I’m I finding it much harder now? It’s complicated (feels like God and I are dating and having domes and cold war). Deep down I know God has not changed. It’s me who has changed. I’ve grown older and taken more control of my life. View from 4^th floor tells me, bad idea.

I want to let go and let God but I find that’s so difficult. At 40 you need things to happen as soon as possible (ASAP). Maybe my new ASAP should be to always stop and pray. Worry over My unfamiliar surroundings and uncertain future have overgrown my faith like the black jack weeds (that stuck to our clothes kitambo) choking sukumawiki growing in the shamba. And it’s strange how I’ve been getting reminders to trust more and worry less. Like a pal of mine sent me a Steve Harvey clip telling his listeners to jump. He challenges his audience to do themselves a favour in this life and jump (take a risk to do what you love). Bob Buford (this guy needs to pay me by now) says it well in his book stuck in halftime that even in the face of imperfect evidence I’m going to embark on this road and let the voice of God come up behind me and tell me if I’m on the right or wrong road. Easier said than done I think.

Mostly when I pray now it sounds like those recitals my kids do in school. A performance instead of an intimate honest chat. God seems to have this loud silence for so long. It’s like my prayer requests to him went to spam or trash and hepad his inbox. When I approach him, it feels like I’m insisting on a relationship that is over. Like a chic (or guy) who has refused to accept a breakup. I’m at a point where I have a mix of surrender and giving up. T D Jakes once said that when you don’t feel like praying, tell God. By telling God, then you’ll be praying. The point here is to keep some connection however bad things appear. Even if it’s for emergency calls only (as it appears on our phones when there’s no network)

Jacob Bronowski (the ascent of man) wrote – ”the world can only be grasped by action, not contemplation”. I’m glad starting this blog was the end of a long contemplation. The more action I take seems directly proportional to the amount of faith I have. This ujuaji of being grownup is proving to be a handicap for me now. I’m 40 but should have the faith of my 4 year old son. The universe around me seems to be shouting that I have to live a life of faith especially at this stage of my life. I wish it was easy to have the faith of my totos. They simply just believe and have no plan B. When I throw up my boy in the air he’s so delighted enjoying the free fall and the grin he gives me has no doubt whatsoever that I’ll grab him before he hits the ground.

Our faith is in serious compe with the realities of life as we age and if left alone, it will be replaced by concerns and mind-sets formed by whatever life throws at us. So there seems to be no easy way for me to get back to the faith I had in prymo and high school. I have to relearn it (because clearly its a requirement to graduate into second half proper). It feels much harder than playing good golf consistently. But if I am to really have significance in my life the next 40 years, then faith has be a big part of the main course (like the vegetables that we were forced to eat when growing up).

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