Closed Doors.

Isn’t it strange how sometimes the things we strongly desire seem to take forever to come by? Yet the ones we don’t feel strongly about seem to happen on their own or with little effort from us. I recently read on my favourite online devotional (TGIF – Today God Is First) that often we first tend to get a vision of what we want to achieve in life. Then we may or may not know how to actualise that vision. The timing between getting the vision and living it almost always seems to be out of our control. Even worse, there seems to be this darkness covering that period between our vision and its actualisation.

In between those two extremes, stuff happens that we can’t make sense of. We struggle to fit it into the wider scheme of things. Since turning 40, this has been my status quo. Occurrences in my life taking place that I have no control over. It’s like the movie of my life is being played in 4D but I’m watching it from outside the cinema. In fact, I’m only catching highlights not the entire movie.

Two experiences come to mind as far as this dark dip is concerned. One happened three years ago. I was (and I’m still trying) to sell a piece of land with the sole aim of ending my slavery as a borrower to my lender (bank). Many a times I have considered myself an employee of the bank. Only that I don’t report to its offices. The effort I put in to generate cash to pay my debts is that of a full time employee. At least I feel that way often.

My pal Cecily introduced me to an oil company in 2015 that was looking to setup a petrol station in the area where my shamba is. I met with the guy in charge and visited the site. He liked the spot and went on to give me a letter of interest so that they can start their due diligence process. I was so excited at the prospect of finally being debt free. I imagined I might even add weight finally. I think being in debt is one of the most effective weight loss methods. Hehe…

After about nine months of the due diligence process, all was clear and set. I still remember the day the gentleman from the oil firm called me telling me to go in in three days to finalise on the price so that they could pay. My heart was beating out of my chest as I counted down to that day. The day before our meeting, the guy called again. I thought he was calling to confirm whether I prefer tea with tangawizi or coffee for our negotiation meeting. Unfortunately, he was calling to say there had been some board politics and the MD sent packing. So all new acquisitions had been suspended indefinitely. That phone call deflated me so much. I was punctured multiple times like the tyre tube of my old 504 pickup back in the day when the mechanic would just tell me to buy a new tube because the old tube was more patches than tube. That was hard to reconcile, as it meant my slavery to the bank continues for the unforeseeable future.

The second experience was recently in the PTA (Parents Teachers Association) AGM and elections at my totos’ school. We got new office bearers elected, but I was the only one selected. I retained my position on the board ati based on the wonderful job I had done as the events coordinator for the last two years. Even an attempt by the new chairman of the PTA to get me in as his deputy was shot down by parents and teachers in attendance. I accepted the role as a positive appraisal by my fellow parents, but also because I would like to make this school better for my baby sharks and other kids too.

Since then I’ve been wondering why I’m denied the things I want so badly yet the ones I really don’t feel strongly about just drop on my lap. I know delay is not denial but that feels so theoretical when disappointed by a door slamming in your face.

Folks, could it be some stuff we really want to happen is delayed because we are not yet ready for the blessing? Maybe we might just sabotage the blessing if it came sooner than it should. It’s like breaking the shell of a boiling egg to check if it’s ready on the inside. It’s unlikely you will eat the egg after that. I think the trick is to just take on what comes our way and commit to it even as we wait and work on the thing we really want to happen.

When a door we knock on refuses to open, maybe we should take that as a sign that we are not yet ready to go where it leads. Perhaps we should be glad that we are being saved from some disappointment ahead and that the open window is where we should look through for our current ready assignment. Such thinking is not easy and requires a paradigm shift to look at delay positively and not as denial.

Let us seek out opportunities and enter only the doors that are opened for us. The ones that remain bolted will open in due course and we shall be ready when they unlock. When we force a door or window to open we will require the same energy to keep it open, hence losing sight of why we wanted it open in the first place. The secret is to find a way to resist forcing the door open but also knowing when to knock a little longer. That will take wisdom to figure out and I’m sure 40 years of doing life has granted us that wisdom.