The Other Side Of No.

Have you had someone share their experience about a place that you’ve wanted to visit? Depending on what we hear it enhances our resolve to experience it for ourselves or drop it altogether and seek another fantasy. That was my experience in a recent halftime roundtable with a client. She has transitioned fairly well and is now at the tail end of living her ideal life in my view.

What is coming out clearly is her comfort level with turning down requests for her time, money, and other resources. Saying no is a requirement for finding and living a meaningful life. This lady was encouraging us to be comfortable (read brave) in saying no to stuff that conflicts with our value system. We are all created with an internal warning system that informs us if the ask that comes our way is genuine or if we are just being used.

In Africa (and maybe other parts of the world) we have a lot of what we call black tax. Children act as insurance for their parents. Kids are put through school to perform well and get good jobs. In return, they are expected to pay back by caring for their aging parents and other relatives. It’s worse for firstborns who have to educate their younger siblings and relatives. For a good portion of their working life, they will be funding the livelihoods of others. Self-ambition is frowned upon if it does not benefit the wider clan so many put their goals on hold.

While I’m in support of caring for family and friends I believe there should be a line. Everyone should pull their weight. And that’s where the NO alarm is triggered. I am the man I am today largely due to my folks’ provision and influence on me. For that, I’m eternally grateful. I delighted in helping them where I could (and still do for mum). I haven’t struggled much because they have been pretty much self-sufficient. Maybe I’m even the one who owes them some tax in my case hehe. I need to ensure that my baby sharks are not burdened by me in later years. My role is to give them a start in life and set them off to discover and live their unique assignments in the world. All I want to do when I’m a mzee is to cheer them on and accelerate their success where necessary. Not the other way around.

I admired what my client was saying and how she was saying it. She declines requests comfortably from even close family and friends. I’ll admit I’m not yet there. I have said No more frequently over the years but I’m still uncomfortable a lot of times. And it’s not because I’m not sure of my No. My gut confirms it’s the right answer to give but I give in so as not to disappoint others. There are times when I have agreed to something and buried my No just to be haunted by guilt and dislike largely for myself. And everyone moves on happy that we are in agreement yet I’m still stuck in my poor decision-making. Resentment even starts building up if I stay wallowing there for long. Kweli good guys do finish last.

Folks let us be kind and true to ourselves and say No more frequently but also appropriately. From what I saw with my client, the grass is indeed greener on the other side of life when we are honest with ourselves and others. She has a freedom I covet. Folks we are not the saviour of the world yet many of us live as if that’s the assignment Sir God gave us. Hio ni kazi yake and last time I checked He didn’t need my help. The open-door policy (of saying yes always) can do us more harm than good.

Warren Buffet said, “the most successful people say No to almost everything”. Picture that.  You decline most of the requests that come your way yet you end up successful. Sounds fake right? we have to try living this way, especially in today’s life where demands and requests (including many friends ones) come our way fast and furious.

The sad truth is that most humans are lazy and if we can find someone to do our job for us then we gladly pass on the baton. Another quote I came across is, “if you want something done give it to a busy person”. I’m sure many busy people do a lot of stuff for others at their own expense. It’s not the way I want to live. Kila mtu abebe mzigo wake.

Maybe when we decline people’s asks then we are helping them step up and be more responsible. And they can thank us later. Initially, we will not be popular because we may be accused of refusing to help. I’m ok with that if the peace that follows is the one I saw with my coaching friend. Besides life is not a popularity contest.

Last quote folks hehe. ‘Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part’. This one sums it up well. I will try my best to meet my obligations as decisively (remember my word for this year) as possible and apply wisdom in who, when and how I can help as I do life. A small discovery to note here though. If I say yes to folks who say yes to me I don’t feel used. Secondly, when the requests are few and far between then they appear genuine and I tend to follow through.

Me thinks the world would be a better place if we said No more often.