Family Tree.

The Good Book in Proverbs 18:24 says, ‘A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.’ More often than not, good friends and relatives are mutually exclusive. You cannot have both; if you do, you are the exception. We tend to have buddies who are closer than our brothers (relatives) and family who talk to us simply because we are connected by blood. Perhaps the difference is that we have no choice over who our families will be, but we do choose our friends.

I think it’s fair to say that many families don’t get along for one reason or another. I recently had a chat with a cousin of mine, reliving some of our childhood drama. Like the way our mothers would assault us in the name of discipline, and there was no room to discuss it after. We concluded that we probably don’t need to subscribe to Netflix for their movies and series. Life alone has enough thrills, comedies and horrors, and in some of those, we are the main actors. I was quite drawn to my cousin because of the work she has done on herself to be the healthy individual she is. She said that she got to a point where she’d rather disappoint everyone else than have to fit in with people’s expectations. I want to experience that kind of freedom. I must admit she is not the same rela I grew up with. She challenged me to live my truth and grow my authenticity. Plus, she lives in a pretty cottage upcountry surrounded by birds, nature and her big dogs. The life I like.

There are times when our relatives are not our friends. It’s even worse when we don’t get along with our parents, siblings or children. Things sometimes appear bigger than they seem, because either we don’t know how to communicate our position, or we’re poor at truly hearing what the other person is saying. Family relations suffer from huge blind spots that take away opportunities for healing and progress. We often listen to respond and not to understand.

We had a family gathering in October in shags. My dad’s oldest brother hosted us, being our patriarch on Mzee’s side. The last time we met as a family like that was many years ago, when my grandfather was still alive. My cousin sent out invitations in good time, and to my surprise, most of us confirmed attendance. I was curious to see what it would be like meeting relatives I haven’t met in ages, and others whom I have never met. The fact that we were not meeting for a wedding or a funeral made this a winner already. Uncle had been seriously ill earlier in the year, and so had one of my cousins, who had suffered a stroke. They came back from the brink, and we were there to celebrate them and thank Sir God for granting them a new lease of life.

I have avoided some of my relatives over the years because I was convinced that they would ask me for things. Like that’s the only reason they would be looking for me. While that is not entirely bad—family is allowed to seek help from family—I think I misjudged some folks, and I’m not proud of that.

This gathering changed how I view my relatives. Many of them live in this big, busy city in the sun, Nairobi, doing good things. I hope they don’t look at me through the same distorted lens I viewed them. It was eye-opening to learn how advanced most of them are in their various fields of expertise. I even got a plug for a decision I’ve been thinking about my car.

Relatives can be fun: that was the other learning from this gathering. After my preacher uncle delivered the sermon, we gathered by the fireplace since most of us were spending the night in Nyeri. The family introductions were a major highlight as each of us introduced ourselves, and our connections were made clearer. My uncle even went further, taking us through our family tree four generations back. We became clearer about our roots, where our names came from, and even in some instances, what they mean.

After some relas left jioni, some drinks of choice (known as uji and chai, hehe) were unleashed, and the younger relatives continued to make merry as we chatted along. One memory that will stick with me was my late dad’s brother, Uncle Jesse, who decided to join the Gen Zs of the family (us) in the bonfire. There is a French saying that, when loosely translated, says, ‘In wine there is truth…’

Uncle Jesse was enjoying his whitecap and, while at it, gave us a bit more family history that hadn’t been shared before. It’s important, if we are to forge closer family bonds, that folks know not just the positive records, but also some of the not-so-good stuff that happened. That’s what Uncle Jesse did for us. Maybe he was applying the rule in Gava that says information is no longer classified after 20 or 25 years.

But maybe we found what he said so helpful because we were also mature enough to process it positively and not get affected negatively. I learnt that people don’t keep quiet because they have nothing to say. Once the listener is ready, the talking will happen. That bonfire lit a new appreciation for my extended family. Some old and wrong perceptions were shed, and I’m glad we attended that event. We had a swell time talking to each other and laughing about childhood events and experiences. We went to bed late that night with a lot of food (and drink) for thought.

The next morning, we gathered again at Uncle’s home under the pretence of having breakfast. In reality, most of us wanted to extend the gathering and break bread (ngwaci and nduma) one more time. We then prayed together and left to go back to the grind that is life, but not before we had committed to making this gathering an annual event. The pressure is on because it was our fathers who made these meetings happen. Now we are those wababas who have to keep the glue in the family by initiating such gatherings.

Many families face numerous struggles, but there is still much to gain from them. Attempting to seek the good in our family members is the right step in making brothers stick closer than friends. And meeting regularly to commune is the only way it will happen.