Play Your Tape.

My fellow Gen Xers, please gather here. We are also known as the MTV generation or the middle child generation. I am deep into this generation, being a middle child myself.

Many of us grew up with little self-awareness, often coming across as timid. We were not as conscious as our children, who interrogate their feelings and thoughts and even have the courage and ability to articulate them. It’s only now, in midlife, that many of us are learning to assert ourselves.

It’s funny when I think about my upbringing. I grew up in an average but comfortable home; my folks were caring and friendly to my siblings and me. Yet I don’t remember saying to my folks half the things my baby sharks say to Mummy Shark and me. It’s like there was a think-before-you-talk policy, which often led to not talking at all. While that may have shown compliance and obedience, I think too much of it doesn’t serve us well in adulthood. We all need to be able to sit with our thoughts and feelings and express them articulately to the right recipient.

Maybe that childhood silence is what led me to keep avoiding my buddy Leonard, who wanted to feature me on his podcast, AfricanDO. He hosts African entrepreneurs who share their battle stories (because running a business in Africa often feels like an extreme sport, hehe). Beyond the shame I carried for closing my tent business, speaking about myself and my journey has always felt uncomfortable. I even avoid listening to myself after recording an event. I spoke too fast; I shouldn’t have said that; I left this out; those are the criticisms that run through my mind when I watch myself. Could that lack of confidence stem from my childhood? Maybe, but that imposter syndrome lingering like a rela from shags has to be sent packing at all costs.

I owed Leonard after he joined us as a panellist at our recent Silver Fox event. I needed to settle that debt, and that’s what I did last week. I knew I’d get nervous in the days leading up to the podcast, so I tried not to think about it much, especially after he had said it would be unscripted. We would go with the flow. I took comfort in knowing we’ve been friends for a long time, and he knows most of my biashara story.

We arrived at Sema Box on Riverside Drive at the same time last Thursday and went right into the studio. I remembered my buddy June Gachui’s advice that a little nervousness is good for humility and grounding. Leonard has a way of asking questions that gives you the confidence to respond authentically. Maybe it’s because this was episode 71. It was clear that practice indeed does make perfect.

Millennials and we Gen Xers grew up watching movies on a VCR. We would rent movies from video libraries that came on those huge video cassettes. I still remember getting home with a few action movie tapes and having to watch them within seven days because that’s the rental period I had paid for. If you kept them any longer, you’d face a penalty. We then graduated to CDs. I still have my CD player. Maybe I should try to see if it works hehe.

Talking with Leonard about my journey in business—and now my portfolio life—felt like that one-hour movie on a VCR. It played well, and the parts I couldn’t recall (or chose to forget conveniently, hehe) were like the parts of the tape that had been chewed, so it distorted the movie kidogo. But that didn’t dampen our spirits.

As we spoke, I felt like I was watching a replay of my life over the last decade, specifically the transition from my tent business to coaching. I started seeing areas I had forgotten and micro-decisions I had made to get to where I am. It’s like this podcast helped me zoom out of my life and see the forces at play that were beyond my control. I realised that the way I started my tent business back in 2000 strangely mirrored my exit 20 years later.

I described it as having one set of footprints in the sand at both the beginning and the end. But in the middle, during most of those 20 years, there seemed to be two sets of footprints. It’s like Sir God had put me down to walk alongside him, then when turbulence hit at midlife, he put me back on his shoulders and carried me, leaving only his footprints. Ni God manze , as we say in Kenya.

Oftentimes we think we have made decisions, but in hindsight, the die was already cast. We see a lot when we look back. That’s why they say hindsight is 20/20. We see even more when we go down memory lane with someone who also featured along our path.

After the hour was over (it felt like 20 minutes), I left Sema Box feeling more aware of who I am because of where I have been. I appreciated the highs and lows of my journey and all the in-betweens afresh. What felt like detours and delays were all part of the journey here. May I remember this chat with Leonard when I encounter my next bump ahead and start grumbling.

Folks, I hope we can see the various situations we are in as part of the greater movie that is our lives. The movie of our lives could be a series of episodes. Some are dramatic, and some are chill. Some are full of laughter, yet some are for machozi. All in all, it remains our story.

So, play the tape of your life now and then by travelling backwards. But ensure you watch all the episodes before the deadline to return the tapes to the video library. After all, in midlife, we are well advised to avoid unnecessary penalties, hehe.

You can watch the full movie here, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zHI9rKKf_0