Silver Lining.

Last Saturday’s mubaba gathering exceeded every expectation. One hundred men showed up and sat through for five hours. I think that should be considered for the Guinness Book of World Records in the category of men sitting in a room for that long and paying attention, hehe. It is rare to see so many men in their 40s, 50s and even 60s gather for that length of time and not in a bar or stadium hehe.

Lately, I have been training on team and group coaching, and one of the things we are learning is creating an emotional container. Essentially, a coach holds a safe and trusted space for the group. My prayer was to co-create a similar space with the panellists where feelings, hopes, and concerns could be shared openly. That’s never a given, seeing as men don’t freely share their inner manenos.

For vulnerability to surface, we had to ensure the men felt safe. Of course, that took leading by example, which my panel did very well. They went deep quickly, and the room immediately followed that cue. From that point on, we could challenge each other’s perceptions and beliefs without the men feeling defensive or getting pretentious. I’m proud of the emotional container we created—a space without titles or positions, just guys trying to move the needle on this journey of life.

This wasn’t a group coaching session, but I still felt responsible for the group, even though a coach is not usually responsible for the outcome of a coaching session—the client is. The ABC of coaching is Always Be Coaching. It’s a lifestyle career, so I couldn’t help but think like one last Sato given that I was the moderator for the event.

I wasn’t nervous in the run-up to the event. I tried to keep myself busy and not think too much about the event. I’m learning to trust that I’m competent and ready to handle such conversations. Sometimes we lose our authentic voice when we overprepare and end up undermining ourselves in the process. Preparation is good, but it is better when it is accompanied by some self-belief.

Still, on the day of the event , I felt a rush of baridi in my body that made me a bit uncomfortable. I remembered my buddy June Gachui’s advice that a bit of anxiety is good. It keeps you humble and eager to do well. Knowing such a seasoned speaker/moderator also has small panic attacks made me feel normal. If we are too confident, we risk arrogance and believing our own hype.

The panellists arrived early to align on the flow and grab a quick bite. We even had a holding room like celebs, hehe. We then joined the men in the lounge, where the Karen Club team had laid out a spread fit for kings. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I can confirm that the guys were very happy with the good food and drink. Maybe that’s what did the trick later in plenary because they really funguad roho. Full belies lead to open hearts and minds it seems.

This talk was different. It felt raw and free of those screensavers we put up to mask our struggles. I particularly liked that no one mentioned what they do or where they work. My panelists even preferred I don’t mention their career accolades when introducing them. I obliged partially and highlighted only what was important for context. The men in the room followed suit during the Q &A. They simply said their names and experiences with failure at midlife.

Many such talks have a buzz around them. The panel often features celebrity-type speakers who seem well put together, like they’re at a PR event to earn bonga points. The panellists and I wanted to avoid that, so we went deep very early by asking them to share their failures and how that is going. It was scary at first, but we settled in early enough to give the men sufficient time to reflect on their regrets and how they are dealing with them.

It was the first time I used Mentimeter to draw out the crowd. It worked well because the anonymous responses allowed people to answer the deep questions honestly. The mood in the room shifted after we posed the first few questions to the men. It was as though we then had permission to go there, even when we are often told not to go there.  

What followed were a few hours of candid conversations that felt like one long therapy session. I believe that two things happened. First, the men dropped the baggage that had been holding them back on their journey of recovery and reinvention. Secondly, we grew brave enough to sit with our failures, interrogate them and learn from them. It also became clear that to deal well with failure, we need to confront the shame that follows it like an evil twin. There may be some shame in failure, but even more tragic is letting our failures imprison us and keep us from living significantly in the second half of our lives.

When all was said and done, we retreated to the Sundowner Bar for the afterparty, and while there, the dialogue on failures and regrets continued. We even got some longer versions of the stories. Maybe it was the liquid courage that brought it out hehe. And that there is no need to pretend we are perfect. We are all broken crayons, but broken crayons still colour. Let’s keep colouring folks even through the highs and lows of our midlife transitions.

It was a significant evening. Special thanks to our panelists, Leonard Mudachi, Gowi and KT. These guys, through their stories mulikad the other side of failure where we saw a glimpse of reinvention and recovery. There was a silver lining in the silver foxes’ gathering.