Remove The Mask.

My mzungu father, Mike, once told me that loneliness would be the epidemic of our generation. This was also highlighted in a webinar on men and midlife that I recently attended. It seems that, for successful transitions of any nature to take place, silence, and maybe even disappearing, is a prerequisite. We chase success hard in our 20s, 30s, and 40s with the ultimate goal of getting ahead of the pack, or at least next to the pack leader, in business or in our careers.

There is nothing wrong with that, because, as my mum would often remind us, we should work hard because ‘old age eats youth.’ That’s a direct translation from my mother tongue, meaning that the effort we put in when younger and stronger is what will carry us through old age—when we are slower and less productive. Making investments that will appreciate and generate passive income is how I interpreted it, because the thought of growing old while broke is nightmare enough to keep me up at night. 

Although financial security is a major and common reason why many people fear exiting their current seasons of life, there is more. We have also neglected many key relationships and substituted them with work relationships—which appear more important, until we leave that office or job. That’s when we realise that many of our career and business friends were not real friends; they were deal friends.

Once our job goes, so do they. This leaves us with our personal relationships, which are often in a poor state, if not gone altogether. In my coaching conversations, I find this is more common with men than with women. We seem to struggle to maintain a healthy balance between competing out there, and nurturing those who are near and dear to us.

Many folks in midlife go through more than just a midlife crisis; they experience an identity crisis. The titles that have defined us for many years are gone, forcing us to peel off the mask represented by a business card or a title. We are uncomfortable without the mask because we feel vulnerable and exposed. However, that’s when the internal work begins, and that too is scary.

Oftentimes, my agemates going through halftime call me in distress because they know it’s time to make a shift, but they don’t know how to. The funny part is that even after I offer to help and give them some direction, they panic and run away when they realise that they will have to do some internal heavy lifting. We seem to be our own biggest hurdle to transitioning successfully.

Many of us are sitting with this quiet discomfort of midlife, living on past glory; yet, nobody cares who we used to be—only who we are now. The question I would ask then is, “Who can you be next?” Maybe we should stop judging and evaluating ourselves by the standards of our first half of life and realize that in midlife, we have the freedom to experiment and be more open to new ideas. We have earned that, at least.

Also, in this season of life, we need to move from proving to improving. Once we free ourselves from the pressure of proving ourselves to others, we will be more courageous in facing the changes happening in our minds and hearts. This will allow us to accept, or at least, accommodate them.

One practical step I took when my business card became obsolete after exiting my twenty-year-old business was to go a while without replacing it. We need to resist the temptation to fill some gaps quickly. If you must, then perhaps it’s better to replace professional titles with value-based titles like creator, collaborator, builder, and the like. So when you are asked the common (and often irritating at this stage) question, what are you doing nowadays? You can just say what you do not who you are. When the phone stops ringing because kazi imeisha, it is an invitation to start growing in another direction: investing in self-development and relearning who we are.

Midlife transitions are also the perfect time to connect with others. Here, we learn a hack or two on how to better navigate our current state without a title. Part of accepting where we are is adapting to our circumstances, both positive and negative. If you have personal stuff that you have put off for years due to a full calendar, now is the time to attend to it.

Another deeply meaningful thing that many of us overlook is giving. I often judge myself harshly, thinking that I don’t have much to give. Yet, by midlife, we have gathered a ton of wisdom and experience that those coming up behind us desperately need. One way of reducing the volume of that loud silence is to give to a cause that we are interested in, join initiatives tackling world problems that interest us, or simply share our time and counsel with those around us.

Finally, facing our past mistakes and regrets will help us remove the mask and get comfortable with the silence around us. Behind our deepest pain and disappointments lie the clues to our future assignments. Or, as I heard on that webinar, life’s painful lessons are the raw material for future wisdom. I agree, kabisa, because the shame I carried from my business closing down is the degree I earned to qualify me to help others turn their midlife scars into stars.

When the phone stops ringing, folks, take advantage of that and sit with yourself to examine your life deeply. A life well examined is a life well lived. Remove your mask and befriend silence. Sometimes we need to be alone to avoid loneliness in the future. By connecting with ourselves, we can connect with others better.

PS: Gentlemen, karibuni to our chat next week at Karen Country Club as we tackle our midlife reinventions and learn from each other. Details on the poster hapo juu under upcoming events.