My Absent Father.

April 25^th was my Dad’s birthday. He would have been 76. It was the third birthday in his absence. It felt like attending a bash but the celebrant is a no-show. We are advised to appreciate people when we still have them around. I believe I did that for my Mzee and he knew it. That’s what made his funeral three years ago bearable. I was confident that he knew my heart and that gave me lots of peace. I didn’t have unresolved daddy issues with him. Folks may we travel light and be in the habit of keeping our relational house tidy as much as it depends on us.  That way we end up with fewer regrets should one of us suddenly be plucked from the garden of life.

But something strange has been happening since Dad left us. As I adapted to doing life without him and picking up some of the stuff he used to do, I feel like I’m getting to understand him deeper. Folks, have you ever felt like you learned someone more or got closer to them in their absence? That’s how I’ve been feeling. Like I’m now seeing a reflection of myself more in my departed father. I feel like I’m walking more in his shoes, mind and heart. It may sound spooky but I’m not sure how else to put it. It’s not like my old man appears in my dreams and we chat over chai (tea) but I’m hearing his unspoken thoughts.

As I go about doing what I can to build my legacy and cover my family I’m questioning whether some of my private battles were his too and I feel strongly that they were. You see my dad was a cool, peace-loving man who avoided confrontation as much as he could. Don’t confuse that for weakness. He still had a silent determination that did a lot. I think I’m like that too. But should he have spoken out more? or made a few more moves that were driven by his conviction than for the sake of keeping the peace?

Passive income is one sure way to financial security. It takes care of us in our old age. We had many chats with Mzee about what we needed to do to ensure money worked for us while we slept. But for some strange reason, we didn’t cover much ground. I recall one time while taking him for a medical test before his surgery. It was quiet in the car. I think he must have been scared of the road ahead. I was scared too but somehow believed he would get through the illness.

He broke the silence and said thoughtfully, “Things will be different son once I leave the hospital and recover”. I knew exactly what he meant. It was the tone in his voice that sounded decisive. I looked forward to that time. Sadly, he never got out of the hospital to show us how things would be different. He left us kwa mataa (suddenly) and since then I have felt like he handed that assignment to me in silence and spirit. Or maybe I’m just putting the responsibility on myself as his oldest son. Either way, I’m glad to accomplish what Dad desired for his family.

Since then we have been on a journey to put Mzee’s (and Mum’s) investments to good use and they are slowly bearing fruit. But I have a sense of guilt. I feel like I’m benefiting from what should have been his. I thank Sir God for answering my prayer and not putting Dad’s family to shame when he left us. In fact, I remember the day of his surgery coincided with a conclusion of a bank matter. It’s like he was still putting his affairs in order till the last day. We have heard horror stories of families fighting not to lose their stuff after losing their patriarch. Thank you Mzee for not letting that happen even in your absence. You have set a good example. My brother and I have no excuse.

I now have a strange guilt. Like he’s the one who should be enjoying the proceeds of his (and mum’s) many years of labour. The Good Book says that a good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children. I think that the good man should also enjoy both his inheritance if any but more importantly his years of hard work especially in his sunset years.  Oh, and on the inheritance, we should leave more than just material inheritance to our kids. I pray my baby sharks also inherit values, resilience and other life skills from me that will serve them well in future. I’m glad they have a lot of good traits to inherit from mummy shark when mine run out hehe. My mum used to tell us when were younger to copy the good in her and dad and disregard the not-so-good in them. I don’t mind passing on that advice to my baby sharks for it has served me well and still is even in Mzee’s[U1]  absence.

Folks let us appreciate and attend to our parents and loved ones while we still have them. We learn more, better and faster when we are in class (with our loved ones around) than when they are gone and we have to do some long-distance learning.

 [U1]