This week, Wednesday the 19th, marked International Men’s Day. The theme for this year was “Celebrating Men and Boys.” I wonder why they specifically added boys to the theme. Perhaps it is because of the many challenges the boy-child is facing in society today. There has been a long, intentional push by our women to support and grow the girl-child over the years. With many men too deep in their own manenos to pay attention to how the boys are developing, the boy-child has been left to grow himself like a weed. Girls have seemingly overtaken boys, and the boys appear to be playing catch-up.
This is often evident when I attend events at my baby sharks’ school. More girls seem to be receiving the awards; the boys are generally fewer in number when it comes to recognition across the various activities and categories. I am a father to two girls, so I cheer them on, but I can’t help but wonder if there are boys who qualify to be on stage but are not, perhaps due to some form of neglect.
I also have a son, and I fight with him more than I do with his sisters. Perhaps it’s because of how similar we are. I remember once venting to my mum about how hardheaded he is. She laughed, telling me that those tabias confirm that he is surely his father’s son. What I find encouraging is that we fight and soon after become friends. Still, I sometimes worry whether I am doing a good job shaping him into a man many people will be proud of. My prayer is for him not only to be a better man than his father but also an asset to society, not a liability.
We have many problems at the community and national levels that are caused by good men gone rogue. May we turn that tide, one boy at a time, by looking out for the young men and boys around us, even as we continue to grow ourselves. This year’s theme is appropriate because without cultivating good boys, then there will be no good men—just males wreaking havoc on themselves and society. In keeping with this, one of the pillars for this year’s celebration is creating a safer and better world where people can grow to reach their full potential.
I like the school my baby sharks attend because they make a fuss about the Christian faith. In addition, they have a school counsellor who I find to be very switched on. I have reached out to her on several occasions, both for a check-in on my parenting journey and for support with my kijana. A lot of the time, I feel like I fall short in my parenting, yet I love being a dad. It feels like a lot of what I do and say for my children doesn’t show as vividly as I’d like.
I’ve been told that in the parenting journey, we see the fruits later on when our children are our height, if not taller, hehe. So, our role is to continue parenting the best way we can and engage with our kids, because parenting is a contact sport—there are no dry runs. We learn, fail or succeed while on the job. I have come to notice this silence: we work hard in it for a long time, hoping that one day the results will show positively.
The same applies to us as men. We have to keep working on ourselves even as we guide our boys without expecting much applause and validation. My pal Eddy Kimani alluded to this in a recent clip I saw on Facebook. He was responding to a query that was raised about why men are not showing up in nightclubs and other social spaces. He says that men are not missing; they are evolving. Men are quietly walking away from performance, chaos, and places that demand that they prove themselves worthy. They are learning that peace is louder than music, that a purpose-led life feels better than applause, and that silence is sacred. Men are choosing growth over validation and truth over pretence. Eddy ends by saying that growth will not happen in the bar, nor on the golf course (my addition), but by sitting with yourself and facing the music within.
Most of that work is best done quietly. The call to find our mission in life is not a group call; it is individual to each of us. Transitions are lonely, and maybe that’s why many of us resist them. But could it be that the only way to get clarity is by lowering the volume in and around us?
I’d like my kijana to have that skill. He asks me many questions before he goes to bed, and regrettably, I don’t have answers to most of them. I hope, though, that he can find solace in silence and that, somehow, the whisper from Sir God will confirm the way he should go. I really hope he doesn’t miss the mark and fail, and that when he does, he will have the mind to mine the lessons from his failure. For now, all I can commit to is being present as much as I possibly can. To children, quality time is quantity time.
And maybe that’s all our boys are asking of us, as their fathers and older men: to be present and walk with them through the journey to manhood. To accept them unconditionally, allow them to express themselves, correct them gently, as well as humble ourselves enough to admit failure and accept their correction. Reverse mentoring, as my halftime dad Mike calls it. That way, our boys and young men can celebrate us because we have shown them the picture of a man they would like to emulate as they grow up.
If we can do that, then we have started turning the tide, and the boy-child will start rising again. This time, more emotionally intelligent, and the world will inevitably be a better place. May this year’s celebration challenge us to resist being the main show and go nyuma ya tent, away from the limelight, where we can be approved in private for the assignment ahead. In doing this, our boys will take notice and learn to live true to themselves rather than for the world’s validation. We, as men, are called to lead by example because some lessons are caught, not taught.